When a death by suicide happens news and rumors fly fast. Confusion reigns. Friends feel pain, hurt and confusion. Communication is electronically transmitted. Tender hugs are not easy to find. Tears are shed mixed with anger, confusion, hurt and betrayal. Life suddenly feels disconnected. Unplugged.
Survivors wonder how they didn’t see this coming. They wonder what happened to the person they knew so well. “He had plans for the weekend with friends. She was just at school or a party… he was happy. He was joking. He called night and seemed normal.” What happened?
Survivors’ world has change abruptly, tainted with death. Nothing makes sense. Nothing feels real. Student grief is often unattended following a suicide, left on their own in shock and disbelief…. not knowing where to turn, what to think, who to talk with… or if they should talk about this at all. The hush hush that quickly follows a suicide leaves little opportunity to process their grief experience.
We mistakenly assume those who end their life are somehow “bad” or worse yet…cowards. In reality these people have been secretly suffering, a deep emotional pain. They were good people loved by many. Suicidal personalities include characteristics such as: well-liked, artistic, funny, talented and smart… leaving friends and family confused “why” he/she ended their life.
Talk and listen. Share tears and hugs. Plan a gathering of friends and talk “feelings” in person. This is an effective way to process the mix of grief, confusion and pain. Talk about:
- How they found out
- Who told them
- How the news made them feel
- Understand this was “no one’s fault.”
- Understand they kept their plan secret … this enables guilt relief and healing to begin. The “happy face” they wore on the outside fooled everyone, making it nearly impossible to know who may be at risk of suicide.
Give meaning to the term survivors. Help stomp out stigma. Stay connected; don’t keep your grief a secret. Sharing your own feelings may help not only you, but also someone else.
Written by Jean Larch. Jean is a crisis intervention specialist and the author of the acclaimed book “Dying to Be Free: A Healing Guide for Families After a Suicide” published by Hazelden in 2006. Read more about Jean at www.suicideknowmore.com
